Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Tourist

It’s been said before, but bears repeating, that there are many parallels between myself and Justin Bieber:

• We are among the top search terms on the web – porn trends in UK revealed that ‘teacher’ is the top term (I was young and needed the money)

• We have both decided to ‘retire’

• We both regret buying a monkey

What I didn’t expect when I handed my notice in, was to see grown women sobbing, flailing their arms around hysterically and grabbing my legs to stop me leaving. This is good, as it didn’t happen. In fact, when I arrived with resignation letter pressed nervously in my palm, there was…no-one there.

It turned out that the Head Teacher had temporarily left for unknown reasons. The now ‘Acting’ Head informed me of this in the same tone that was used to tell me that Daddy was gone and I’d be seeing a lot more of Uncle Godfrey.

Like Stormtroopers, I’m easily bamboozled and I was fed enough rhetoric to leave me confused about where I stood. I left with my resignation letter unopened and with everyone doing a lot of nodding and supportive smiling. The only thing I remember was being called the ‘soul man’.

I was surprised to discover this was my nickname, and used my best jive to return the compliment. I referred to her as my favourite ‘shit dawg’ and a ‘crazy ass coochie’. It was only once I’d been forcibly removed that I realized she meant ‘sole’ as in ‘only’.

The previous evening I’d drawn up a list with reasons to stay and go;

Reasons to go

1) The knives were out for me from day one. I spend so much of my day biting my tongue I’m concerned I might one day swallow it.

2) The job is aging me. During a Science lesson I asked the class for an example of an ‘irreversible change’. One suggested my greying hair.

3) I want to leave before I become one of those blokes who chases ducks in parks

Reasons to stay

1) I live within a stones throw from the school (I know this because local children often throw stones at me on my way home)

If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad (the name I’ve given to our class teddy bear) I may have to find other reasons for them to fire me. An enforced change around in my classroom means people can now peer through a window to see if I’m there. I feel like I’m in a monkey enclosure and this has given me the idea to ‘monkey see, monkey do’ and start throwing my shit at visitors.

Another idea emerged when one of my year group piranhas dropped by complaining of a neck ache. I thought to offer a move I’d seen in a film. What I didn’t mention was the film was a horror and had resulted in the person receiving a mild decapitation. I could at least argue at tribunal that it stopped the neck ache. Another idea was to give the worst offenders, dolls of themselves labelled ‘(In) action figures’.

We’ve been asked by the school to be ‘walking thesaurus’ and my last idea to get fired can’t fail. I just need to wait for a serious playground incident;

Me: Johnny you seem to have a disgusting, revolting gash on your forehead

Johnny: Yes it hurts

Me: Mmm it must be very troublesome and distressing

Johnny: …it hurts so much

Me: You seem to be bleeding profusely

Johnny: the pain…

Me: what do you think profusely might mean?

Johnny: I…I don’t know… (Collapses)

Me: Ooh, you now seem to have lost consciousness. What do you think consciousness means? Johnny?…these children never listen