It’s a little bit funny

This week my class were described as ‘wild teenagers’ ‘maniacs’ and ‘runts of the litter’, (I made the last comment). I staunchly defended 14 of them. I remember my teaching trainer telling me how possessive you can get over your own class. It’s true, but for 16 of my class I can only smile weakly and shrug when I hear reports of their misbehaviour.

I imagine it was one of the ‘good’ 14 who wrote ‘Help me!’ on a whiteboard. There are now boxes placed strategically around the school for children to place notes for anything that concerns them.

The box closest to my classroom is always full. Most of the complaints seem to be of the ‘my God is better than your God’ variety. “No God is better than any other!” I informed my class, half expecting at that moment to be struck by lightning.

My sudden immolation would not have been the most distressing event of the week. While trying to Google ‘long vowel phonemes’ I missed a digit, with the search engine suggesting ‘long bowel movements’. A supply teacher covered my class in which they designed road safety posters. She looked for some ideas but forgot to add the ‘for kids’ bit. The images the class witnessed must have loosened their vowels.

At least this got their attention. The only other way would be to have gender reassignment surgery and I don’t have the balls for this. It was discouraging during some mock SATs to hear one child whisper to another “Don’t copy me, I’m wrong”. He was right.

We finished the week with our class assembly. I did feel a pang of pride as they sang and danced their hearts out (they needed to; there was a constant backdrop of drilling). The theme of the assembly was ‘Holi’ and three of the girls performed a dance. I had the foresight to listen to the tune beforehand and a minute and 49 seconds in the lyrics include “Sexy Rada on the dancefloor”. They’re 7 years old and parents were in the audience.

I made a note on the script to “fade out at 1 min 49 seconds or face the sack”. Unfortunately even having stopped the tune the older children in the audience carried the song on. I stood there expecting another lightning bolt, this time from Krishna.

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