The privilege

The anxiety dream before the observation was classically Freudian. In the dream I sat in a small windowless room surrounded by the Head Teacher and Deputy Head. The oddest part of the dream involved me being interrogated over the contents of our current class story ‘The Last Noo Noo’.  The questions were fired at a feverous rate “What’s a Noo Noo?” “Why is there only one left?” “What did you do with the rest of them?”

I always wondered what I’d be like under interrogation. Would I crack or would I be strong in the face of relentless questioning? It turns out I caved in the moment they threatened to take away my Body Shop store card.

The observation, I felt, was fitfully appalling. The kids stared at me for long periods, reminiscent of a group of healthier than average looking zombies. As I was doing the rounds one child took the opportunity to tell me his grandfather had died. “I’m sorry to hear that” I said, aware of my observers eyes burning holes in me. “He ate too much chilli powder” explained the child. You could have heard a teaspoon drop. “Actually” he continued “he might not be dead”. Normal service resumed.

Despite all this, “learning took place” and I was awarded a ‘satisfactory’ grade. Such is my delight I intend to get a shirt made up with “I used to be inadequate but now I’m satisfactory” and on the back of it “ladiezzz……”

As an officially ‘satisfactory’ teacher I now feel qualified to give you the first of my tips to make you a better teacher:

1) Don’t get caught stabbing a voodoo effigy of a child just as his/her parents walk into your classroom on parents evening.

2) Do encourage the class to boo the naughtiest child every time they walk in or out of the classroom.

3) Don’t ask the children to act as either look outs, beards or use them as currency, even if it’s to broker peace in the Middle East.

Happy Easter!

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