Watch this space

Next week an alien spaceship will crash land in our playground. I’m not claiming to be a Nostradamus figure, nor have I been on the foam letters again. It’s actually a ruse organised by the school to encourage a writing exercise for World Book Day.

The staff will be dressed as aliens and some policemen have even agreed to attend the crash site. The first problem lay in finding a suitable costume. Most on offer were spandex and figure hugging and I didn’t want to arouse any kind of suspicion from the local constabulary. I did eventually get something suitable although it has ridiculously large shoulder pads, so rather than from outer space, I look more like I’ve arrived from the 1980’s.

I intended to complete the outfit with a scary mask, although I later discovered a child in my class passes out each time he is afraid. We visited a local church, as part of my first school visit and while the Reverend was telling us about Jesus’ final hours on the cross, I heard a thud. A boy had collapsed and was now writhing on the floor like an upturned turtle. I wasn’t sure if this was an act of God or if I was witnessing a live exorcism. One mature child managed to at least defuse any possible pandemonium by asking “Is he dead?”

The menacing mask has to go and be replaced by innocent Head-boppers. The visit to the church did at least throw up some homework gems that are added to my blooper reel:

The first thing I saw was the Lord Jesus Christ and a drum kit

The Reverend told us that they throw clowns on the fire in Hell.

there were plus signs everywhere

We looked at a picture of Jesus when he was a baby trying to die

Jesus stayed in a marvellous hotel (no room service at the inn?)

I asked the Reverend what the WC meant

Children have water put on them when they are Batmantised

I see dead people

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6 thoughts on “Watch this space

  1. Jo

    Love the bloopers Tim…we had one child,who is in a phonics intervention group, write in his book that Robin Hood wore ‘tits’ instead of tights…that had me chuckling all day! x

    Reply
    1. timlondinium Post author

      speaking of which, instead of “show me your best behaviour” a headteacher once said “show me your breasts behaviour”…it was an assembly and didn’t go unnoticed :)

      Reply
  2. Jo

    Ha ha..I remember a first aid training day we had, run by an ex forces bloke,he had one of our male teachers in the heimleich position and told him to bend over and in his words ‘pretend you’re in the heads office’ !! We were mortified and the poor head didn’t know where to look.

    Reply

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