Next week an alien spaceship will crash land in our playground. I’m not claiming to be a Nostradamus figure, nor have I been on the foam letters again. It’s actually a ruse organised by the school to encourage a writing exercise for World Book Day.
The staff will be dressed as aliens and some policemen have even agreed to attend the crash site. The first problem lay in finding a suitable costume. Most on offer were spandex and figure hugging and I didn’t want to arouse any kind of suspicion from the local constabulary. I did eventually get something suitable although it has ridiculously large shoulder pads, so rather than from outer space, I look more like I’ve arrived from the 1980’s.
I intended to complete the outfit with a scary mask, although I later discovered a child in my class passes out each time he is afraid. We visited a local church, as part of my first school visit and while the Reverend was telling us about Jesus’ final hours on the cross, I heard a thud. A boy had collapsed and was now writhing on the floor like an upturned turtle. I wasn’t sure if this was an act of God or if I was witnessing a live exorcism. One mature child managed to at least defuse any possible pandemonium by asking “Is he dead?”
The menacing mask has to go and be replaced by innocent Head-boppers. The visit to the church did at least throw up some homework gems that are added to my blooper reel:
The first thing I saw was the Lord Jesus Christ and a drum kit
The Reverend told us that they throw clowns on the fire in Hell.
there were plus signs everywhere
We looked at a picture of Jesus when he was a baby trying to die
Jesus stayed in a marvellous hotel (no room service at the inn?)
I asked the Reverend what the WC meant
Children have water put on them when they are Batmantised
I see dead people