As the old saying goes there is only one thing worse than glitter on glue on carpet and that’s vomit on glitter on glue on carpet. I had to deal with all four simultaneously after a hectic art lesson. As I scrubbed away on my knees my abiding thought was “for this I went to college?”
With the Christmas season approaching all teachers are aware of the ticking glitter, glue and puke time bomb. It was also anti-bullying week and one child embraced both events by providing an anti-bullying poster showing Father Christmas being beat up.
After our recent bird show, I gave out photos of the children at the show without realising I needed to ask for payment first. It was a simple enough mistake to make but now I’m paranoid the bird show people might be looking for revenge. I suspect that even as we speak they’re training up a flock of suicide bomber carrier pigeons to attack me when I least suspect it.
The same child who provided the picture of Father Christmas being battered, did at least bring in payment for the photo. The payment was later returned to me by the office though as the bank-note was forged. I now faced having to confront a parent over the use of counterfeit money.
As it turned out it was the child’s idea of a “joke”. Nonetheless I had to deliver a rocket to him about how this was as a criminal offence (the banknote was pathetically forged; even the Queen looked like she’d had a stroke). I managed to undermine my rant slightly by then turning and walking into a door, but I hope the point was made.
The children do amuse (one child described Mother Theresa as having a ‘fat arm’?), bemuse (another told me he was born with a donkey tail), impress (one child clapped an almost hernia inducing 123 times in a minute, as part of a maths challenge) and confuse (the autistic child said “I’m glad I’m not a vegetarian because I couldn’t go to church” – “body of Christ?” I guessed but no, it was the leather praying mats).
Remembrance Day will be remembered by me for desperately trying to halt a game of hide and seek for a two-minute silence and I also managed to misspell misspelled 30 times when correcting a spelling test. Despite all this I realise daily how lucky I am to have such a nice class. I’m even trying to ingratiate myself more with the staff by taking the role as narrator in the school Pantomime. Oh no you’re not!