Much of today could have been in soft focus, with stirring music and breathless dialogue. “You love Tim and want to marry him!”. As a quote this could have been from ‘Gone with the Wind’. Instead, it was bellowed by a 10-year-old boy, to a teacher. She had just reprimanded him for not following my instructions.
The melodrama didn’t end there, with Zak picking up the mantle in Roisin’s office. He accused me of making him “itchy” and said Roisin’s rules were enough to make any child “go crazy and die!”. “Maybe she should come with a health warning?” I wondered. At one point, he even tried to paper cut his neck.
Things took a turn for the even weirder, just as our attention was waning. Zak began to impersonate me, dealing with him. While as ‘me’, he then began to side with me and chastise himself for the poorer aspects of his behaviour (are you still following this?). Anyway, this seemed to work and he settled down, sometimes hearing voices isn’t such a bad thing.
He later told me about a dream, where I’d had a brief cameo. In the dream I’d suggested he talk to a girl, only for her to slap him. Thankfully, there was a temporary happy ending as she forgave him.
It was only temporary because this is Zak, so drama is always just around the corner. In a bizarre twist, she was shot through the heart. He registered my disappointment at this turn of events, so added that through some praying she came back to life. They then went on to have five children called Jake. I didn’t ask but assumed they were all boys.
The lesson in the afternoon was about ’embarrassment’. Unfortunately Zak is above this and quickly got himself a class exclusion. The afternoon passed slowly and Zak got back to doing what he does best, asking me questions I couldn’t possibly second guess. “How long would it take for a sea urchin to cross London?”, “Does Shaggy wear nice T-Shirts?” “Do stingrays make good eye contact?” and my personal favourite “How did you get this job – did they find you on the street?”