Insult to injury

There was a giant chalk penis in the playground today. By that, I don’t mean it was some specially commissioned Chapman Brothers-esque sculpture, which would be too weird. It was instead drawn by one of the children.

Zak was preoccupied with other things, namely the girl he’s fallen in love with. If she walks past us, he now hides behind me. I’m beginning to get premonitions of what it’ll be like to be an embarrassing parent.

“I will follow her after school” he declared “I know where she lives”. It may have been his slightly disconcerting glassy-eyed stare, but I had a further premonition of him one day being roundly booed on ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’. We made a compromise. Zak will instead ride his BMX past her, as she sits on the bus, with me running alongside him. I always get the best jobs, for evidence of this, see current one.

I invigilated one of the SAT’s examinations. Some of the children assumed I’d be marking the paper, as I was mentioned in the list of ‘favourite teachers’. Back in the canteen, there was a sudden explosion of (look away now Jamie Oliver) burger and chips, as Zak flipped. I immediately thought “what have I done now?” and gave chase. I was actually grateful for the interruption. One of the teaching assistants had recounted her experiences of seeing the Nursery toilets. Even my iron stomach had smelted.

I was summoned to Roisin’s office to talk about the lunchtime incident. “Are you going to fire him?” Zak helpfully asked her. Roisin misheard this as ‘fight him’. I’d discovered the reason for Zak’s aberration was because ‘that girl’ had sat down at the same table. Sworn to secrecy by Zak, I had to deny knowing the cause of his behaviour. While acknowledging I had a “difficult job”, Roisin suggested I remain “one step ahead of him” and “anticipate” his errant behaviour. I smiled politely and told her I would do my best, while thinking “have you met Zak?”

A little despondent after the meeting, I trudged home through the playground. After a rain interrupted day only the chalk balls defiantly remained.  I began to cast a furtive look over other job opportunities. One advert caught my eye, “History, Geography and Economics Teachers are in hot demand!”. Surely this is the only time the words ‘history, geography and economics teacher’ and ‘hot’ will be in the same sentence.

True story. I went for a run tonight and a squirrel landed on my head. I was running in a forest, so probably should have anticipated this…


3 thoughts on “Insult to injury

  1. Kevin

    A squirrel really landed on your head?!! I had a nightmare like that once- it was so real I launched myself from bed and skinned my knee on the carpet. Do you think it was out for blood or just catching a convenient commuter tree to save time?

    1. timlondinium Post author

      Yep, it happened. I’m not sure of the motivation behind the attack, it may have been a dare. It happened so fast I would struggle to pick him out of a line up.


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